Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
