I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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