my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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