i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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