when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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