Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
