It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
