So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
