If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
