the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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