we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
