all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
