Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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