She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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