I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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