Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
