dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
