I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
