So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
