How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
