Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
