then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
