I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
