i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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