When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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