Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
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