idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
