so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
