White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
