yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
