then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
