I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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