Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
