you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
