i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
