I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
