You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We need to get me chipped asap
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
