did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Randomize
