Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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