That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
