Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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