dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I could make wine with my vomit
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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