did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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