We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
