i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
