I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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