Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
