M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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