she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
