I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
